This section comprise of my improvisation project for the year 2 of my undergraduate studies.
- CD #1 comprise of my tutorial recordings
- CD #2 comprise of my tutorial and in-class recordings
- CD #3 comprise of my in-class recordings
One must take notice of how nerve wrecking I really am as an individual. The most public observance anyone choose to take notice of me is that the difference of my performance in all fields can be drastically changed (moreover negatively) within any moment. In fact the non-existent stability that I always desired was in most of the time shrewdly pretended, notoriously fabricated and executed with an all-crushing force.
To further explain the mind trap that I have set myself up, I should invite the reader to investigate in one of my personal experiences taken from my journal entry:
When I was improvising, at this time I have finally started to realize that I have been overdone checking and judging myself all along, whenever I am conscious that someone would evaluate my performance. I also sensed how this dread of failure (failure as in not able to execute according to my will) would at times of public performance override all other commands which in fact are actually functioning if not at optimum, at least at average status. (Oct? 2003)
After series of careful assessment of my work and time-consuming authentication with my mind I can honestly say that (this thing…how should I say it? My vocabulary is limited and I am genuinely out of words.) (Paranoia? Panic?) is one of the problems in which had consistently contributed to my non-successes.
As my mental self-defence automatically implanting one of the few true axioms of non-absolutes, this attribute of mine is negative only because of imbalance. Namely the inability to control the degree of self-inspection, the level of “controlling” the pace of action, and most importantly failing to acknowledge the fact that whenever I am writing of explanations I have the cravings of must putting three things down because all written material in my image branded as good has more or less three points to support their statement. And they are not run-on sentences.
When I mention the word imbalance there is the hint of recovery. In fact my concern is of correcting my habits rather too quickly without any consideration to my current characteristics of my performance, in which I do positively enjoy. Furthermore character is formed by habits. I did not suddenly turned into a nerve-wrecking paranoid since the commencement of my post-secondary education. Since it takes about twenty-and-a-half years to honestly and responsively examine myself (in a certain uncertain degree), it would be safe to suggest that I am not too concerned when the change would take place as I finally am realizing how little control I have over my maturity through time.
Therefore after decades of trial and errors (it not too late I hope!) I have decided to take my time to understand the nature of my problem before hastily gathering resource trying to solve the mystery, where most of the time in the past it would prove my untimely remedy both ineffective and inefficient. Without further ado let us begin.